April 28, 2009

Prayer Journal 04.27.09

Lord, my thoughts tonight are very primitive. Because they are so abased, I almost didn’t even sit down to converse with you, as if nothing meaningful could possibly transpire between us when I am in such a superficial state of mind. Today I have been saturated with thoughts of myself – house hunting and fantasizing about that next conquest, visualizing establishing my wishes tangibly in the world I live in. I have thought a lot about ___ too. I can not help but wish.

Wish . . .

Lord, how do you feel about that statement? That I am wishing and not hoping? My word choice to say ‘wish’ instead of ‘hope’ is to say that I lack faith that you have a will and a destiny for me in this matter. I have no sign from you otherwise. In the past, I have gone fishing for hopes, I have projected my will into the universe, and relentlessly tugged on your ear with all of my “give me”, “give me”, “give me’s”. And through those circular behavior patterns I manufactured hope; hope which failed to transpire into reality time and time again. And so I openly admit to you and to myself that I don’t hope for ___, not this time. I only wish. I wish that you desire something to unfold which suits my personal desires.

I am literally scared stiff to hope for ANYTHING.

What does your Word say, that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”? (Proverbs 13:12)

Well my heart is sick. What kind of sick is my heart? Its not the kind of sick that is going to kill me like cancer, its not sudden like a stroke, but it onset from nowhere like a virus, and it has symptoms that impact every aspect of my life just like a virus produces a multitude of ailments; fever, aches, fatigue, coughing, vomiting. Like a virus, there is no prescription drug I can take for this sickness, no treatment plan exists. It can not be cured by any ‘quick fix’. This virus can only be cured naturally and it will stay around as long as it wants to linger. Eventually I will build up an immunity to being devastated by dashed hopes. Maybe that elusive immunity will come in the form of adopting wishing tendencies instead of hoping tendencies. I think about the difference between those two options.

For example, I can wish to come into a large sum of money, I can wish to get published, I can wish to lose weight have a super-fit body for the rest of my life, but the truth is, if none of those wishes ever come to pass, then I’ll be just fine without them. Wishes don’t have roots, they have wings. If a wish passes its prime and overstays its welcome, then it just floats away into oblivion and another beautiful dream takes it place. No harm done.

But hopes are different. Hopes have roots; roots that sink deep into the core of a person’s soul and spread out to every corner of their being down each arm to every fingertip. When hopes go sour, oh what a painful process begins. The person grieves or stumbles or is confused or tempted or angry with every fiber of their being because the roots have consumed every inch of their insides. There isn’t a space within a person untouched by his or her hopes. To survive beyond a failed hope is a lot like trying to overcome an immobilizing virus. You will survive and you will emerge eventually, but it might take a very long time and you might be pretty darn worthless for the duration. Maybe immunity comes from never hoping anymore, only wishing.

So Lord, I repeat Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Amen to that. Maybe I’ll just acquiesce to not hope anymore. I’ll just sit here, in my safe place and wish.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

no matter what you're going through remember God is using for his glory okay i love you

rhonda rankin said...

there is a balm in the world today and his name is Jesus Christ. he is a healer of all that ailes us.

TT said...

Beautiful Dana....you have such a way with words and images. I can feel the struggle....as always, I'm right there with you. We need to get together soon.